How much time do you spend trying to understand someone?
What are the benefits of taking the time to understand someone?
How can it affect your life?
How can it affect your ability to sell?
How much time do
you spend trying to understand someone?
If we were all to answer honestly, we would probably say,
well not that much. We are prone to when talking to someone, thinking of how
this may affect us, what advice can I offer or I think they are saying… We base
our conversations subconsciously on assumptions. We can sometimes assume the
other person and where they are coming from, make a judgement and carry the
conversation from there. This is where awkward silences come from or someone
not understanding what you were saying. We all know how frustrating that can be
when someone explains what you have just said but getting it totally wrong
and making a point that has no relevance. Frustrating? Definitely!
How is that true about you, have you ever done it? Has
anyone ever said, "Oh, I know just how you feel. I felt the same
way." "I had that same thing happen to me." "Let me tell
you what I did in a similar situation."
Because you
so often listen autobiographically, you tend to respond in one of four ways:
Evaluating:
|
You judge
and then either agree or disagree.
|
Probing:
|
You ask
questions from your own frame of reference.
|
Advising:
|
You give
counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.
|
Interpreting:
|
You analyse others' motives and behaviours
based on your own experiences.
|
What can we do about this then…
What are the
benefits of taking the time to understand someone?
Would you like to be understood, what would it mean for
someone to truly listen to you? Don’t underestimate the power of someone really
listening to you, or you really listening to someone else.
We often listen on 3 different levels; I will use a restaurant
analogy, for example;
Listening level 1
A couple on a first date get a table for two near the
kitchen, the man starts thinking as he has booked this restaurant, is this the
best place to be seated? What if the smells from the kitchen affect our
evening? Is it going to be noisy? He starts thinking of the things that affect him and what might spoil the atmosphere.
Listening level 2
After a while the man settles down and realises his fears of
what may be disruptive, isn’t that bad. So he starts to talk to his date across
the table and whilst she is speaking, he is thinking, ‘what can I say that will
impress her?’ What can I now say that is interesting? She is obviously talking
about, for example, how much her mother means to her. After some awkward
silences and some misunderstandings the man has to change his tactics and start
listening instead of hearing what she
is saying.
Listening level 3
So when she is talking he mentally removes himself from the
conversation and listens objectively to her language, body language and the way
she is talking. He notices now not everything she is saying is matching her
body language and the way in which she is explaining it. So now he listens without thinking about what difference he can make.
So when talking about how much her mother means to her, he says, tell me more.
Using the same words she uses and reflects back to her what she has said, the more they
fall into this conversation about her mother, this gives her a greater quality of attention and may feel for the first time she is truly being listend to. The man is now showing more
interest the woman is falling into a moment that does not come around too
often.
We have all been given this time, when you think back, how
did you feel? I bet you didn’t notice what was going on around you, focusing on
nothing but what you are talking about. Do you think that with that sort of
attention the man will get a second date?
How can it affect
your life?
The more time you spend understanding someone else, the more
influence you can have with that person, you can build rapport and power
(please note this power is only used for integrity and honesty, treat it callously
and your influence will disappear instantly). Rapport and Influence is a by-product
of understanding someone first, then being understood. Think of someone you have great rapport with
and ask yourself whether they are likely to take your advice? Would they be
likely to help you should you need it? You bet they would. Understanding
someone first gives you a great chance to create rapport, then once the rapport
is built, influence soon follows and then power. People are more likely to
listen to you and in return help you and offer advice should you require it,
you will be understood.
Would this have a positive or negative affect on your life?
How can it affect
your ability to sell?
Sell yourself in a job.
Sell your product or service.
Sell your point.
It doesn’t matter how you look at the word ‘sell’ you can apply
it any circumstance.
You have to start by creating a need in the other person,
so, how do you create a need?
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
What is it that is missing in the other person’s life or environment?
What would you like to change? If you were to change one thing what would it
be? – And then listen.
If you sell your position first, then your audience (1+ people)
would less likely be able to connect with what you are saying. They may be
thinking, ‘well that doesn’t apply to me, then what they are saying does not
apply to me’. This can be a reaction that is done subconsciously or consciously
but whichever way they react it is not in your interest. Think of when you have
thought like that, I bet you have. So then we have to create the need, or
realise the need as the case may be.
So you say that you have not got enough time in the day to
do the things you want to do, what would having more time mean to you? Listen.
So you say you would like more time to spend with your children, how important
is that to you? Listen. If you
were to have an extra hour a day what would that mean? Listen. If I
could offer you something that would save that sort of time, how much would
that mean to you and your family? Listen.
You can use this type of questioning on any statement they
give you, because it isn’t the statement that carries the power it is your
question, listen and then repeat technique.
Build rapport, Influence and Power.
Please follow me bellow, and if you believe that coaching will
help you please contact me. My blog doesn’t even touch the surface of what
caching can do.
Follow me on...
Twitter: @coachingsucces1
Facebook: facebook/coachingsuccess
